Dear Nuzzle,

All dogs go to heaven. So I know where you are, and you better not fart on anyone!

I remember riding in the car and then seeing you for the first time. When Pawpaw and Clodene took us to pick you up and it was a secret surprise. Mommy and Daddy called home we told them "We got a puppy!" They were vacationing in Mexico. Which meant they weren't as delighted as baby Emily and I at your arrival into our family. But I'm sure your little sparkling eyes and stubby wiggly tail melted their hearts.

You were so spry and perky as a puppy, and I don't think you realized at the time that you were a dog. You tried so hard to be a vigilant guard of our yard, yapping and hopping up and down on your hind legs, day-in and day-out. Those squirrels snickered and taunted you from the trees for years. It was because of you that Mommy and Malanka brought out their shotguns one day and fired at those rascally bullies.

I'm sorry I teased you too, when I'd stand on the diving board and act like I was going to jump in. You didn't like that. I just couldn't help myself, because it was so funny to see you get your panties in such a twist.

Mommy was the one who was always there for you. She was your very best friend, and when I sat next to her while we watched American Idol, you'd always get really jealous and then squeeze between us.

The time you got attacked by our neighbor's wolf-dog was one of the most terrifying and gruesome experiences I've had.

Even with your smelly fish breath, I loved that you'd cuddle up next to me in bed when I'd come home from Utah.

You lived a full life, making it into your nineties. And when you died today, everyone cried. Even Daddy.

I hope you're getting lots of watermelon and cinnamon bread up there. I know Pawpaw's probably glad to see his favorite schnauzer, and I hope Granny's giving you a nice neck-scratch.

Rest In Pieces of Bacon,

Holly

Dear Louis XIV,

I happened to stop by your house today, and I was a little disappointed. It could have been a bit bigger, and there weren't enough mirrors for my taste. Also, you went a little overboard on the crown-moulding, don't you think?

But I think you'd be pleased with the abstract rusty pile of metal they added in front of your lake. They call it "art," and it's that junky-chic style that I know was always more to your liking. Next time, just add one more acre of those cool square trees and you'll be good to go.

Shine on.

And may I always live to serve you and your crown,

Holly

Dear Man on the Metro,

At first, I was flattered by the glance you gave me from inside the Metro car as I walked towards the gap. I mean, I realize I was drawing a lot of attention to myself with that bright pink hat today. Forgive a girl for feeling frivolous every once in a while.

Yes, I was very flattered, initially, because you seemed like a handsome fellow, and your type always gets more slack in that department than creepy-looking men. It may not be their fault that their features are not so well-formed, but somehow it's just less disconcerting to receive flirty glances from pretty people. It's the beady eyes one must be wary of.

Well, Man on the Metro, I felt you continuing to look as I walked into the train, and that is why I deliberately sat on the other side of the doors: to resist a temptation to peer at you myself from behind my French Lit. book. What can I say, you were also wearing a very lovely shade of pink.

However, you foiled my plan when you stood up. Why did you stand up? There were plenty of open chairs. Maybe you just needed to stretch your legs for the next 10 stops? Or was it your arms that had no room? Were you really flexing them as you continued to ogle me from the corner of the Metro car, for the next twenty minutes?

That is when I felt that your coquetry quickly proceeded from subtle to scary. And so, I am writing to request--upon your next detection of a naïve American girl--that you please exercise consideration and remain seated. Or stare less. It really did give me a fright when you followed me off the train.

Warmest Regards (figurative only),

Holly